Friends and co-stars alike have come out to voice their concerns over troubled teen star Charlie Sheen’s bizarre behaviour, which has seen him make a staggering eight seasons of ‘shit-com’ Two and a Half Men.

Deeply unfunny

His brother, actor Emilio Estevez, was among those who spoke publicly about the 42 year-old’s recent history, citing the personal demons and disturbed state of mind that have seemed to be behind Sheen’s continued participation in the implausibly successful show, which revolves around a playboy jingle writer whose brother and nephew come to live with him.

“Unfortunately there’s been no talking to Charlie for quite a while.” Estevez told Mick McArthy of Los Angeles-based radio station Churnton FM. “He’s been absolutely out of control. All he’ll do is get up in the morning, go to the studio and record episodes of that show in front of a live audience, with scant regard for the consequences of his actions – the predictable and formulaic jokes, the one dimensional characters, the script’s pathetic attempts at pathos.” The Breakfast Club actor suggests that his brother has forgotten what it’s like to work with funny material and is now barely recognisable from the man he once was.

“It’s beginning to take a toll on Charlie physically, you can see that crazed look in his eye, as if he’s imagining wearing his executive producer’s hat, coming up with new storylines, perhaps in which his on-screen character becomes ill and mends his philandering ways.”

Estevez spoke of wondering how his “liability” of a brother could not realise how many people around him “the stupid oversized bowling shirts, canned laughter and general crimes against intellect” were actually hurting.

There is a palpable sense of relief in Hollywood that his strange antics seem to have come to an end now that the show has been taken off the air, but repeats are being shown 7 hours a day on Comedy Central’s TV channel, which Sheen’s father Martin has reportedly called “sick”.

“I suppose he feels that it’s tantamount to torture, seeing Charlie’s incoherent mumbling played again and again.” Said TV Psychologist Dr Linda Papadopolis, who was not asked for her opinion.

Educator: Casimiro; and top left, as Mrs Whelan

To pupils at Fladdington Middle School, she used to be called Mrs Whelan. Now, after undergoing a radical species transformation, the 53 year-old is back from an extended summer holidays to return to teaching as Casimiro, an Andean condor.

Despite fierce criticism from parents, governors at the Gloucestershire school have stood by their decision to let her resume the post where she has been teaching Maths since 1998.

“It was great to see that people can be so accepting” Casimiro squawked to local press. “I’ve dreaded this day since I decided to have the surgery, but this is not something I got into as a whim, I’ve always known deep down inside that I was a majestic bird of prey native to the snow-capped peaks of the South American mountain range, born into the body of a little girl. As far back as I can remember it just never felt right – playing with dolls or doctors and nurses, I’d always prefer to leap from my bunkbed and pretend to feed on the carcasses of wild deer.”

Formerly a shy and overweight mother of three, she is now notable for her 3.2 metre wingspan and black and while plumage. She can be told apart from other Old World Vultures in the Cotswold area by an elongated middle talon and hooked beak, adapted for tearing meat.

“That’ll come in handy for some of the school dinners here!” she joked, before adding that the lunches provided by the school were actually “very good”.

Several parents said children at the school, which contains pupils as young as eleven, were not old enough to understand the concept of trans-specialism.

“I, as a parent, refuse to have something as perverted as this brought into my child’s psychology”, said Mr Vincent Crepe, whose daughter is in Casimiro’s year 11 trigonometry tutor group.

Others seemed concerned by the practicalities of having a sexually mature roosting bird, capable of regurgitating whole foxes and producing potentially poisonous fecal matter, make full use the school’s new interactive white boards and sufficiently prepare the pupils for their Key Stage 2 tests at the end of the school year.

A similar case in 2008 in the U.S saw a male high school teacher undergo surgery to turn him into a four inch-long mole rat. While the decision to keep him on at the school was celebrated at the time as a victory for tolerance, the storybook ending never happened and Julius, as he became, was forced to quit after enduring a year of verbal abuse.

“I just want to do what I’ve always done, and that’s help kids to learn” shrieked Casimiro from the rafters of Fladdington’s assembly hall. “Man or woman, gay or straight, bipedal or winged tetrapod vertebrates, we all have that goal in common.”

Shawn takes to the streets on his new scooter

Rap star Shawn Carter has resorted to getting around on a mobility scooter, after claiming: “I got ninety nine problems and sore feet is one!”

Nicknamed Jay Z, the 51 year old beat poet has described himself as “one of the greatest rappers of all time” and reportedly makes use of the battery driven device on a near permament basis, even using it indoors to travel around his Beverly Hills mansion!

Feckless

What is more, members of his entourage have also been spotted using similar vehicles – including electric wheelchairs, microscooters and toy cars designed for children.

The platinum selling wordsmith is married to a singer and to a dancer – both in the form of soul sister Beyonce Knowles, who will celebrate her 45th birthday in April 2015.

Lackadaisical

Friends of the couple confirmed that Shawn has refused to abandon the electric aid, and ramps are hastily being built to allow him stage access for his upcoming live show in Blarglefleck Gardens, Missouri.

One quick witted homie quipped:

“I guess he might hip-hop around the stage for a bit, but not much more.” Adding, “Oh my days”

Torpid

However Mastion sources close to the beatmerchant have reported less light hearted mood within the Z camp, after a ‘Powerchair’ driven by fellow rap artist Eminem crashed into Shawn, injuring his shins and damaging a new and comfortable pair of Rocawear running shoes.

Michael Barrymore has sensationally revealed that his life as a gay man has been nothing more than an elaborate sham.

The hilarious stand-up comedian and presenter has given an exclusive interview to The Mastion in which he details the odd events that led to his coming out and fifteen years of homosexual relationships.

“It all started when I read an article in Sugar back in 1994 about how some women fancy gay men.” The former light entertainment don told our celebrity reporter Squeak McLavish yesterday with a characteristic look of bewilderment.

“It  said that a number of women seem to be attracted to the idea that gay men are more loyal and trustworthy than their straight cousins, and that they are known to be capable of more honest emotional expression. A surefire way to get some poon!”

“Now there had been this beautiful production assistant called Emma who worked on ‘Michael Barrymore’s My Kind Of People’ that I really wanted to nail but for all my cheeky music-hall charm, I hadn’t been able to get her to notice me. We’re talking grade-A meat here. But this was my shot! I said to myself – literally out loud if I recall, ‘Michael, you genius.’

“That got me thinking – how could I use this to make her mine? I decided the best way to win her heart was probably to affect a very public descent into the depths of alcoholism and repressed gay self-loathing then hold a series of drug-fuelled orgies where I would perpetrate a variety of sordid sex acts on many different men. The more voracious my appetite for bizarre practices and the more predatory I seemed, the more I’d impress Emma, or so I thought.”

Barrymore found himself puzzled, however, when it seemed that if anything his behaviour seemed to alienate the interest of his affections: “It was totally inexplicable. I bumped into her once or twice in local watering holes and she wasn’t responding as I had hoped. She almost seemed less interested in me! I wonder if she knew that it was all for her.”

Following a series of controversies and the mysterious death of a party guest at his Essex home, the erstwhile funnyman began to rethink his romantic scheme and considered cutting his losses: “Emma had slipped through my fingers. It cost me my career and my reputation as well as every friend I had. Ultimately not a great decision. But as an old friend once sang: no regrets!”

“It got to the point where I was playing a part and that was something I was never good at – a fact that viewers of the movie Spiceworld would attest to. People say be true to yourself but the world of telly is so narrow-minded, the industry still can’t accept a straight man and that’s the way it is unfortunately.”

Despite the pressure on him to stay out of the closet, the world-famous star has finally embraced his heterosexuality. “It’s hugely liberating but taking that initial step was pretty terrifying. The first thing I did was call my old dad, he was pretty shocked but told me that however I wanted to live my life, he’d support me a hundred percent.”

So what’s next for the gurning comedy behemoth? “I’m playing tennis with Jake Gyllenhaal, then we’re going to go hunting for chicks.”